Pirates of the Cornerian

[ArwingAce21]

You've heard me hint at it. You've heard me give reviews for it. You've even heard me brag on it. And now, you can finally see,

[glow=blue,2,300]

PIRATES OF THE CORNERIAN

[/glow]

The sequel to "Who Desires to Attain the Status of a Millionaire" is here! The hilarity continues! What happened to Fox and Krystal? What'd they do with their winnings (if they got any)? All this and more will be revealed as you turn through the pages (metaphorically) of my latest showcased fiction.

Krystal: Will you start the blasted thing already?

Ace: Yeah, yeah, just hang on... Anyway, this is a fiction unseen on any other website I've ever worked on, so that means you need to read it Sabre and Tyk!! And you too, Vulcan! And anyone else with a sense of humor or just in need of a laugh! Just ask Jeanne; she sat through all of Millionaire and it didn't hurt her one bit. (That we know of yet. That's what the disclaimer is for).

Fox: Ya done yet?

Ace: Yes, just as soon as I get the projector up...

---

Pirates of the Cornerian

A Semi-Crossover Fan Fiction by ArwingAce21

Disclaimer: I, ArwingAce21, do not own any characters, locations, vehicles, etc. from either the Pirates of the Caribbean or the StarFox franchises. PotC is the property of Walt Disney, and StarFox is the property of Nintendo. I own neither. Though I really wish I did. I also am not responsible for any pain, suffering, mental anguish, or low resale value on your car caused by reading this particular fiction. However, I do own Capt. Jacques McCloud, Skippy, Draco Lombardi, Cris, and the Grand Vulpine. Darn, I just spoiled half the story. If you feel like using any of these characters, holler at me on the webpage in my profile. Okay, that’s over…

Rating: K

Genre: EXTREME Humor/Adventure

A/N: Just one more quick note before we begin. I called this a semi-crossover fiction because it is entirely set in the StarFox universe. No actual PotC characters or locations are used. They are mostly spoofed, although a few movie quotes and scenes are used. Anyway, the point is this is a StarFox fan fiction first and foremost. Also, this story is intended to be a semi-sequel to my other StarFox humor fic, Who Desires to Attain the Status of a Millionaire? You don’t necessarily have to read that to understand this, but to get the full value from it, you should. That sentence made little sense. Oh well.

---

A few months after Fox won the million credit prize on the hit game show, Who Desires to Attain the Status of a Millionaire? in a rather unorthodox manner, the StarFox crew was taking a break from saving the Lylat System. Fox, in order to win the million credits, asked Krystal to marry him on national television. She of course accepted and the team got the cash. Fox used his share to repair the Great Fox and get the Arwings ready to fly again. Falco has yet to spend his money (surprisingly), while Slippy used his winnings to get expensive surgery to remove his 1,024 warts caused by the evil amphibian dividing wart disorder. Krystal decided to spend her stash on a nice three deck yacht for the entire crew to use.

And that was where the four ace pilots from StarFox were gathered today. They were sprawled out on Krystal’s yacht, the Sapphire Vixen. Krystal was always highly creative when it came to naming things. Falco was sprawled out in the hot tub; Fox and his fiancée were sprawled out on the lounge chairs on the deck, sunning themselves, while Slippy was just sprawling in general.

Earlier that morning, Krystal had sailed the yacht out from Corneria City’s harbor and into the Cornerian Sea. Fox was amazed at her sailing prowess; he never thought his future wife would be such a good pilot and sea captain. Of course, he didn’t see the copy of “Sailing for Dummies” in her pocket. Always be prepared, that’s the sailor’s motto. Now that the entire gang was out in open water, they planned to try different sea-faring activities like fishing, swimming, not getting attacked by giant squid, etc. But that was to come only after they finished sprawling.

Fox got up from his lounge chair, finally tired of sprawling, and broke the silence.

“Say, the water out here isn’t so bad.”

“You can say whatever you want; I’ll take the sky any day.” Falco, like any self-respecting bird, hated water.

“It looks to me like you’re the only one actually in water right now,” Krystal observed.

“Uhh…” Falco quickly jumped out of the hot tub and dried off.

“Sailing is fun, yeah, but it’s not as much fun when you’re not shooting at something,” said Fox, realizing he was
bored.

“How come there isn’t a running gag about me yet?” asked Slippy to no one in particular.

“Don’t worry, that guy behind the keyboard there will come up with one before long,” reassured Krystal.

“Foxie, you’re right. I kinda miss shooting stuff,” said Falco, growing bored too.

“You know, it’d be fun if we could be like those pirates that sailed these very waters centuries ago. Back before space pirates, or even space travel. Even before Cornerians had mastered the sky. Back then, when the open ocean was the final frontier,” Krystal mused.

“It would be so cool if some of our ancestors were actual pirates, wouldn’t it?” Falco asked.

“Yeah!” everyone answered in unison, except for Slippy, lest a running gag get started should he open his mouth.

Then, something strange happened. A running gag didn’t get started. But something even stranger happened. The peaceful scene with the yacht began to turn metallic and ripples formed, as if someone dropped a pebble in a pool of mercury. Actually, my screen looks like that, so it might be best if I lay off the acid for a while.

---

Fox: Hmm, you tied up some loose ends with the intro, but...it wasn't that great.

Ace: You're just mad I haven't let you kiss Krystal yet.

Fox: Yeah, but-

Ace: Remember, I'm in control here. *Twirls pen around*

Krystal: Cool, I get a yacht!

Slippy: Can I have a running gag? Pleasepleaseplease???

Ace: We'll see.

Slippy: Yay!!!

---

A metallic ripply screen? Hmm, looks like we got a flashback coming on...

[Sabre]

i'm busy...i'll read it tomorrow most likely...

[Sabre]

Not a bad intro...falco and water....that was a surprising mix.....stay off the acid ace and keep up the good work....

[jeannerené]

Poor Slippy .......... from warts to ? ...... unruly chest hair ... or ?? I feel sorry for the guy.

You left us with a cliffhanger so I'm anxiously awaiting the outcome of what appears to be some sort of morphing ........

I enjoyed your intro ..

Yo Ho Yo Ho

.j.

[ArwingAce21]

...A Pirate's Life for Me!! (Sorry, have to finish the line)

Yeah, I tried to be true to Millionaire, and I really wanted to give Slippy a running gag. However, it turned out that Slippy wanting a running gag and not getting one was the running gag. More today, I hope!

[ArwingAce21]

Meh, after Jeannerene's muse skipped town, mine ran away too. I was in the middle of writing an awesome fic called "Spectre" when my ideas went, quote, "Sploort." I have the whole plot planned out, so as soon as my urge to write returns, it's gonna be completed. Anyway, sorry for the long wait, but here's some more of POTC(ornerian):

---

Soon, the ripples ceased and the scene cleared up. It was in black and white now, a sign that we are in the past, just in case the guy behind the keyboard forgot to tell you or something. As the scene cleared further, the color returned and in place of Krystal’s yacht was a smallish wooden ship with billowing white sails. Instead of hot tubs and lounge chairs, there was a big wooden steering wheel and one big mast in the center. Along the sides of the main deck were a few cannons, and on the sterncastle (the raised deck with the steering wheel) a tall fox with reddish-brown fur manned the wheel. On the main deck, various figures ran about, pulling this line, readjusting that sail. A blue falcon-like member of the avian race was in the crow’s nest, looking out for other ships and obstructions. Down in the cargo deck, a green frog was taking inventory.

This small vessel was clearly a merchant ship; the Grand Vulpine was en route to a port, fully laden with a shipment of goods. From the crow’s nest, the blue avian yelled something to the captain.

“Cap’n McCloud! Reef about a mile ahead. Steer to the port side to avoid ‘em!”

Captain Jacques McCloud quickly spun the wheel and the ship responded suddenly and violently. A crash was heard from the captain’s quarters below the sterncastle and a blue fox stormed out, her fur covered in ink.

“Jacques! How the heck am I supposed to draw up routes when you’re sailing like a madman! Do you expect me to marry a man that can’t even sail?!?”

“Uhh…sorry Cris,” the captain uttered, embarrassed. He was glad his fur was such a deep ruddy color; otherwise his blush would’ve been brighter than the ship’s lanterns.

The bird in the crow’s nest tried to stick up for his captain. “Geeze Cris, he was just trying to avoid a reef. Would you rather have us run aground in the middle of the Cornerian Sea? Don’t be so hard on your fiancé.”

“You just shut up, Draco Lombardi! I’m covered in ink thanks to the commodore over there.”

Jacques mere rolled his eyes at this sardonic remark. Cris was always getting her dander up over something, including pet dander. Cris just glared at Jacques and stormed back into the cabin, nearly bowling over the green frog coming out of the cargo hold.

“I’ve taken inventory, just as you asked Cap’n.”

“Good job, Skippy. It should be smooth sailing until we make port sometime next week.”

“Say, Jacques, why’s Cris so ticked?”

“Hahaha, nothing more than usual. I had to avoid a reef and she spilled ink all over her fur. She’s so vain.”

“Yeah, you sure landed a fiery one there, Captain.”

“Tell me about it,” he said rolling his eyes.

Skippy went over to help out one of the crewmembers moving a cannon, laughing about Cris. It was a wonder they met at all, Jacques and Cris. It was considered highly unlucky to bring a woman aboard a ship these days, and somehow she managed to become first mate aboard the Grand Vulpine. Those two were quite a pair, alright.

Skippy’s thoughts were interrupted when an alarm went off, which was kind of odd, considering the ship didn’t even have alarms.

“What in blazes was that?” exclaimed Capt. McCloud.

“Oh, that was just the Low Humor Content Alarm,” said a random voice that sounded strangely like the author’s voice. “It goes off anytime the guy behind the keyboard lets this story go too long without a misguided attempt at making a joke.”

“Sort of like this,” said the Captain.

“Yeah, actually very much like this,” agreed the voice.

“Okay then, uhh, what now?” Jacques asked.

“I don’t know, you’re the captain here.”

“Captain, ship sighted on the horizon!” yelled Draco from the crow’s nest.

“Colors?” inquired the captain.

“There are none!”

“Pirates!” exclaimed the voice.

“Hey! That was my line!” exclaimed Jacques.

“Oh…sorry. I’m gone!” said the voice, leaving.

“Pirates!” exclaimed Capt. McCloud.

Cris burst out from the captain’s quarters, wielding a large staff.

“Pirates? Where?” she asked.

“Put your stick away, it won’t help us in a maritime battle,” ordered Jacques.

“Captain, orders? They’re gaining on us!” asked a frantic Draco.

Cris caught a glimpse of their pursuer’s sails. “It’s the Black Pearl!”

“Load the cannons, arm yourselves, prepare for battle!” ordered Jacques.

The crew was in a frenzy to get the Vulpine in battle condition. Skippy was overseeing the preparation of the cannons, while Draco had left the crow’s nest and was giving everyone melee weapons in case they were boarded. In the midst of the chaos, Jacques had a serious concern on his mind.

“Isn’t the Black Pearl a Disney copyright?” he asked to no one in particular.

“Yeah, but-” the disembodied voice answered

“I though you left.”

“Well, I’m the only one that can answer that.”

“Okay then, why is that ship called the Black Pearl?”

“Simple. I couldn’t think up a witty name that is reminiscent, yet makes a mockery of, the Black Pearl. Your ship is the Grand Vulpine. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that is a play on the Great Fox, Fox McCloud’s dreadnaught class space carrier.”

“Who’s what?”

“Oh, that’s your greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgrandson. Don’t worry about what a ‘space carrier’ is. It’s beyond your understanding.”

“Are you insulting my intelligence?”

“No, but you do have a battle to fight. Looks like the Pearl is on you.”

“You’re right. Gotta go!”

The Black Pearl had used its exceptional speed to catch up to the slow merchant vessel in no time. It was no more than 400 yards behind the Vulpine now.

“Jacques! We can’t outrun them, what do we do?” asked a frantic Cris.

“Drop the starboard anchor! We’ll clubhaul and fire!”

The anchor was quickly dropped, pulling the entire bow
of the ship out of the water as it violently turned to engage the pirate vessel. The captain ordered the cannons loaded and aimed. But before he could shoot, the Black Pearl had turned sideways to present a smaller target and came within 50 yards of the Vulpine.

“What in blazes are they doing!?!” yelled Draco to no one in particular.

“It doesn’t matter. Fire cannons!” ordered Capt. McCloud.

Before they could fire, the captain of the Black Pearl ran up to the fore of the ship and began to gesture crazily.

“Don’t go blowing holes in my ship!!” he yelled.

“Just who the heck are you, pirate?” inquired Jacques sternly.

“My name is Captain Zach Sparrow and I’m not here to attack, plunder, board, destroy, or otherwise cause harm to you or your pathetic little vessel.”

“Then what do you want?” Jacques asked of the pirate captain who, incidentally, was a sparrow.

“The author sent me here to keep the plot of the story moving,” said the sparrow matter-of-factly.

“Do what?” said Capt. McCloud incredulously.

“Well, thus far we have six pages written. We have to get at least eighteen before that guy behind the keyboard will even consider stopping, so he sent me to invent something to do.”

“Some pirate you are.”

“Well, what do you propose we do?”

“I, personally, plan to sink your ship and deliver my cargo.”

“We are, after all, noble merchants,” added Draco.

“My fiancée doesn’t consort with the likes of pirates, and neither do I!” said Cris, joining Jacques.

“I tell you what. You forget about your precious cargo, and come with us. I could use more people in the crew; you
clearly could use some adventure. Savvy?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Uhh…good question.”

“Hmm, Captain McCloud, a little adventure couldn’t hurt us too badly,” suggested Draco.

“Well?” asked Zach, feeling smug as he was winning over McCloud’s crew.

Skippy walked up and joined the other three on the sterncastle. “Jacques, we could team up with them for a while. Heck, we might even make more pirating than by moving cargoes from point A to point B like we do now.”

“C’mon, Jacques,” said Cris, won over by her crewmates. “Let’s go for it. If he intended to harm us, we’d be sunk already.”

“Captain McCloud, it seems like your crew is ready to join us. Are you?”

Jacques looked at his crew; all had eager faces and seemed ready to go.

“Let’s go.”

---

Zach: I certainly hope your readers have seen POTC (the movies) before they read this, otherwise they'd miss all the references.

Ace: I did give you some original lines.

Zach: True.

Ace: Wow, this interview is bland.

Zach: Yup.

Ace: Why?

Zach: You wouldn't let me bring the rum.

Ace: That would do it.

Zach: And that feller, what's his name, Charlie Knorris? Yeah, he took all the humor energy on the sit- *Goes flying*

Chuck Norris: *His roundhouse kick slows down to visible speed* My name is Chuck Norris. Don't mispell it.

Ace: I didn't do anything!! He said it!

Chuck Norris: But you typed it! *kicks Ace*

Ace: *Becomes a greasy spot on the post*

---

Well, not so much of a cliffy this go round, but you wonder what's gonna happen to the crew of the GF now that they're pirates...

[ArwingAce21]

I've been hunting for a good pic to use as a title for this, but no dice so far. If I find a good merchant ship pic, I might use it... Or I could try a pic of a Yacht and call it Krystal's... Hmm.

[jeannerené]

Chuck Norris .............. oh my goodness...........

As always ... enjoying you wit ...

This is very inventive .. and I'm quite curious as to where is will be sailing....

.j.

[ArwingAce21]

Small update this go-round because we have a big one coming up.

---

Several weeks later, the once-noble crew of the Grand Vulpine had abandoned their lowly merchant ship and joined Captain Zach Sparrow’s pirate crew aboard the Black Pearl. Draco found himself quite at home on the Pearl, seeing as Capt. Sparrow’s crew was entirely avian. Zack was a sparrow, obviously. He stood out from the rest of his crew, though, in that he was never seen without his trademark tricorne hat. He usually could be found up on the Pearl’s sterncastle navigating the ship, his black overcoat flapping in the breeze. His first mate, Jonathan Gibbs, was an amiable pigeon who acted as a father figure to the entire crew when he wasn’t busy drinking from his omnipresent hip flask. Manning the wheel when Zach was otherwise occupied was a blue and yellow parrot named Cotton. No one ever heard much from Cotton, but that was understandable, what with his missing tongue and all. There were several other crewmembers on the Pearl, but the guy behind the keyboard doesn’t feel like listing them because he either forgot their names or just doesn’t like them.

Jacques McCloud was in the captain’s quarters with Zach, discussing possible options to make money.

“Capt. Sparrow, we’ve been aboard your ship for several weeks now, and nothing eventful has happened yet.”

“How do you know?”

“If something eventful had happened, that feller behind the keyboard there would have written about it.”

“Oh. If you want to do something fun, adventurous, entertaining, lucrative, and otherwise interesting, you need to look no further than out that window.” Zach motioned towards the large windows that made up the back wall of the captain’s quarters.

“It looks like water to me.”

“Exactly. Now, keep watching.”

Capt. Zach ran up onto the sterncastle and spun the wheel, turning the ship violently. Jacques’ eyes lit up as an island, previously hidden from view, filled the panes. Jacques began to wonder what that island held in store for them, but was cut off when he heard a familiar voice screeching at Capt. Zach.

“You idiot! Why the heck do people keep trying to capsize their boat whenever I’m working on charts?!? I’m covered in ink AGAIN!!! You <bleep>!!”

“Cris, you can’t go cursing in a K-rated fic, mate.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Cris went back to working on her charts.
After being blazed out, Zach rejoined Jacques.

“So, Zack, what’s so special about that island?” asked Capt. McCloud.

“Nothing. It’s what’s inside that island that is special.”

“Well, what’s inside that island?”

“Something.”

“Is the ‘something’ valuable?”

“That depends. What do you value?”

“Typically, I tend to value gold, jewels, and unclaimed
properties of a valuable nature.”

“Yeah. It’s something valuable.”

“So you want me to go onto the island to recover the valuable ‘something’?”

“No. You want you to go onto the island to recover the
valuable ‘something.’”

“Just what is the valuable ‘something’?”

“Something.”

“You’re not giving me any help here, mate.”

“I’m not supposed to help you. Pirate, remember?”

“Yes, sadly.”

“Okay, you and your crew will go onshore tomorrow
morning.”

“I have little in the way of crew. It’s just me, Cris, Skippy, and Draco, and few others.”

“What happened to everyone else?”

“Apparently the guy behind the keyboard killed them
off over the ‘several weeks’ we’ve been aboard your ship.”

“Good point.”

“Are you going to send any of your crew to help us?”

“Uhh, perhaps Master Gibbs and Cotton. I may come.”

“So we will have back up?”

“You’re not making any sense here, mate.”

“Huh?”

“I think it’s time to end this extended dialogue. That
feller behind the keyboard seems to be getting delirious.”

“Good point. Wonder why he kept this conversation
going so long?”

“I’d imagine he wanted to up the page count.”

“Okay, I’ll go give my crew the news. See you
tomorrow morning.”

With that, Jacques McCloud left and went to his crews’
quarters and prepared them for the next day’s expedition. As night fell, Mr. Gibbs went into Capt. Zach’s quarters to discuss the trip to the island.

“Is this going to be another huge, boring dialogue?” asked Gibbs.

“I certainly hope not,” answered the disembodied
voice.

“Who the heck was that?” exclaimed Zach and Gibbs,
both jumping to their feet and drawing their weapons. Well, Zach drew his cutlass, Gibbs pulled out his flask since that was what came naturally to him.

“Uhh, no one,” answered the voice, quickly running away as fast as a disembodied voice can run.

“That was odd,” said Gibbs, putting away his flask
after taking a quick swig.

“Agreed.”

“Anyway cap’n, are you sure you want to send
McCloud and his novice crew out onto Isla Circa tomorrow?”

“Yes. I can see no reason they couldn’t do the job any
better than we could.”

“But you’ve wanted to claim the treasure there for
months! Why let them take the glory now?”

“Simple. That guy behind the keyboard paid me to let them. Remember when we came upon their ship a few weeks ago? I would’ve attacked and plundered them then and there if he hadn’t bribed me. I’m getting paid much better to let them have the treasure than if I went and got the treasure myself. It’s amazing what mere writer’s block will drive some people to do.”

“Okay then, maybe you do know what you’re doing.”

“No, I usually just make it up as I go.”

At this, Mr. Gibbs got up to leave, but was cut off by Zach.

“One last note before you go. You, I, Cotton, and two or three from the crew are going to join them tomorrow. Just because that guy behind the keyboard paid me to let them have the fun doesn’t mean we can’t get at least a share of the treasure.”

“You really don’t have an honest side, do you?”

“Nope.”

After that exchange, the pigeon (That’s Gibbs. Remember, we’re still in Lylat, where everyone’s an anthropomorphic animal.) grabbed his flask and the sparrow went for the bottle of rum he always kept on his desk.

“To Fan Fictions!” cheered Gibbs, raising his flask.

“To the end of the world wide epidemic of writer’s block!” added Sparrow, raising his bottle.

---

Gibbs: You expected something really witty here, didn't ya? Well, that guy behind the keyboard is busy now, but don't worry, another update will come soon.

[vulcan13]

I like it Ace it sounds very like you. maybe you might want to vary the characters a bit they all sound like you. other than that it's good.